Mono.

i thought i've grown fond of solitude. i thought i liked being with the company of none for a certain period of time. but loneliness is not of choice. more often than not nowadays, i cant help but to feel utterly worthless and lonely. an overwhelming depression that i can never seem to overcome.

when i have to be nothing but to be alone,  i am at my weakest point. my stomach feels as if it's being disemboweled, my chest hurt and my lungs seemed to be suppressed. a nauseating state is common too. i am the worst loner of all time. to think of it, i need more practice. you know how some people say "it's okay, i'm used to it" that's what i need. i've always been in a relationship. i never had the chance to take the time to be in a contemplation, a time to evaluate previous relationships. it sometimes just overlaps and get all tangled up. i'm not used to being alone.

contradicting the statement, being in a relationship doesnt guarantee a lonely-free life. so what is it? am i too arrogant to have the need to never feel lonely? am i an aggravating attention whore who craves for continuous tlc?

wake up dear queen, the throne only fit one person at a time.

Betelguese

tak perlu kau kelabui langitku, awan malam
menarilah bersama angin, bersama isak dan letihku
karena tak mungkin ku kecup bintang itu
sang pemburu itu
paling tidak bukan malam ini

bangun, dong.

By 60

basically, i have a slightly visible view of my future. these goals are mostly too ambitious. but since dreams are the only thing that doesnt require money, i say lets keep both feet off the ground. i got accepted at university malaya for their applied geology degree programme. undoubtedly all of you curious hombres will question 'what happened to the architectural dream?'. you see, the university requires 3 programs of our liking. since i was a kid i've been influenced by my dad and envied his job. in junior high, i even told my dad "one day, i'll work for zaha hadid, then i'll come work with you and we'll create our own architecture firm" sadly in high school, that dream slowly dissipated, eroded, by other career path and numerous parental consultations. i was torn when faced with a tough decision, so i let fate do the job. and fate happened, the other two programme, architecture and biotechnology, that i applied to, turned out to be unsuccessful. fate happens.

these are the things i wish to accomplish by the time i reach the age of 60

• cure cancer. joking. if geologist could cure cancer then it'll seem a lot less absurd. can i loosen up now? since my post for the past year are immensely melancholic. besides i'm quite positive they'd cured cancer by then
• retired, but still be doing minuscule volcanic research, and are looked up as a reference to a volcanologic studies, even though for a very small contribution. 
• still swim depending on my physical condition
• built the perfect retirement house, giving attention to every detail possible. preferably without stairs. located on a hill, a very green place. 4 bed, 3 bath, a library with only good books and magazines still kept from the teenage years, a grandeur kitchen, and a lush herb garden. and in case i marry someone who shares the same passion in music as i am, i'll educate my children with proper music and probably start a small family band no matter how corny it sounds. and convert that 4th bedroom into a studio. or maybe divide it into two separate space and install huge mirrors so i can still dance at least up to my mid-life. i plan to stay in shape.
• wrote a cookbook, or at least is in the process of writing one. i cannot stress more on how important this is to me.
• successfully lead and raise idhan up to his first job, making sure pao wont lose his charm.
• seen the arctic monkeys live at least once. acoustic sessions counts, hologram shows does not.
• umrah and haj. yang mabrur. nek ora mabrur piye.
• at least speak 5 language.
• lived in iceland. at least once.

see, the chances are most of them would never come to an actual realization. though i plan to sprint twice my speed for the arctic monkeys part, i probably wont have these in my reach within the next 43 years. even if i live a mediocre life with subtle thrill, i wont regret this. if blogging still exist and i look back at my own writing, i'd be proud to say i finally, at the end of my highschool year, let my hair down and planned this.  

Redscale Action

what my pleasure derives from.

sienna. giving thevetia satisfaction like no other since 2009.

Whatever Gets You By

Good Dog!

"i see you as a trigger, the world will not start without people like you"

aulia rasyid, 25th february 2012

Darah Manis

earlier last month i had an unbroken one week streak of near-accident occurrences. i almost fell from a staircase, i nearly spilled a canister of hot cooking oil all over my feet, i was so close to sticking a fork right onto my right eye. i crap you not, it just got worst.

mom said my hand would destroy anything that's on its reach. it doesnt stop there. you see, you might label me as being superstitious, i thought i was a jinx. i am highly accident-prone. i have undergone thousands of near-accident experiences that i've lost count. when i was much much younger mom used to be so frustrated about it. dad said according to an old javanese beliefs, i have something called darah manis. something correlated to the tendency of having bad luck, but not exactly. when i asked "what's the not exactly part" no one was able to elaborate appropriately.

when i was on the 10th grade, a teacher read my palm (cross another line, she's definitely superstitious) and said something that leads me to a very perplexing contemplation.

"thepet kamu ini rejekinya banyak, insyaAllah"

no. how in the. wait. what?

all you need to do is tilt the angle a little bit. dare i say, these occurrences are only 'near-accident' or 'near-death' experiences. i never really got hit by a car, i never did lost a phone due to regrettable reasons, i never did experienced an irrational and unreasonable accident. so to me, i am one lucky girl. i was lucky enough to have never experience such misfortune.

i've unraveled a tiny side of myself. it took me at least 10 years. try it yourself, and make peace within. princess aurora did touch the needle right? what happened afterwards? amin

Into The Unknown Abyss We Go!

february's one cramped up and sick month. for the wrong reasons. something's wrong with this scenario. un-channeled focus and camouflaged distractions are piling up, stacked somewhere in the temporal lobe. but no, it no longer feels like my brain's about to burst, nor does it have to do with any angsty emotions. i'm better at coping with my bipolarity. pear helps a lot.

if you havent noticed my frustration, i'll be taking the national exam in april. means all of this shennanigans will be done and i'll carry on with new shennanigans that to me, are vague, unfamiliar, and frightening. college world.

linking both facts and coming up with conclutions, i'm in a state where i must be ready, i must organize my time, priority and oh all the fckery that everyone's been occupied with. aaaaaaand i'm ill prepared for sure. i know i should be enthusiastic and driven but i'm not. i should be i should be i should be. i'm trying to absorb all advices and motivations but they all seem to just give pseudo-encouragement. i want a real shake, that rocks my boat.

and if that tremor apparently sinks everything, i'll go down with my ship like a good captain.

(the last line is a rip off of cold war kids' audience)

Hold Yourself Together, Dear Queen.

to watch something fall

to witness something drown

to anticipate before everything reach its bottom

to patiently wait

to futilely stare

to surrender to gravity

to be curiously still

to bow down to a bullet

to be helpless.

2012.

this post is a month late but i insist on writing it. i didnt write not because i had nothing i wanted to convey, but simply because my time was limited. crossing fingers, i'll graduate high school this year. amin.

it's 2012, and i've created too many memerifications of the year. for example "it's 2012, and the door is still broken" yes to all 12 IPAs, or "it's 2012, and your room is still the biggest shipwreck" this refers to my sister, vinca. but the best 2012 meme to describe my current state of being will be "it's 2012, and i still have not accomplished a single thing".

as teen-hood goes, my highly and considerably peripheral personality does not come to a conclusion. i am, sad to admit, still a confused little prick who tries to swim a different stream, even distance myself from the people i love, and the ones who loves me, oh bless me god if there are any. just for the sake of being different.

but again, to re-ponder my earlier paragraphs, i have love. i own it, i give it, i just need to think of better ways to spread it. enough about love, i've spoiled it by talking about it way too many times.

i will try to blog, as often as time allows me to. cheesecakes promises.